You Turn On & Off


It was nearing the end of exams and Derek only had a couple nights left at school till he went home.  “Aime, let’s go over to the main caff for dinner.”

I asked Nicole to come with us.  Derek didn’t look too impressed, but said nothing.  After he and I got back we were in my room.  “I don’t like that you asked Nicole to come with us to dinner.”  Derek kissed me, and we started kissing each other, and making out.

“Stop.”  I pulled away.

“Why do you do that?  Why do you all of a sudden stop?” Derek frowned at me. 

“Because I want to stop.  And I can when ever I want too.”  Doing my best to remain calm.

“It’s like you’re teasing me, why do you do that?”  Derek was getting angry.  I said nothing.

“Come, I want to go for a walk.  Come with me.”  Derek demanded.

Shaking my head, no, Derek frowned again.  “Why?  Why do we do things that you want to do?  Not what I want to do.”  His voice was getting angry.

Then I remembered my Easter weekend and how Shelley said to me to be selfish.  If there was something I didn’t want to do because it makes me uncomfortable then do not do it.

Something inside me said don’t go on the walk with Derek.  The little voice inside me said stay.

Derek got up from the bed.  “I love you, an we only have 2 days let to see each other.  I want to spend all my free time with you.  I’m going to miss you.  I want you to come for a walk with me.  I can’t comprehend how you an turn your emotion off and on like you do.  I don’t get it.”

Derek then came over to me pulled me up to a standing position and came in for a kiss.  His hands on my neck and he squeezed as he kissed me.

I froze again.  And didn’t move.

Derek stormed off angry, glaring at me as he left to his room.  Coming back to my room with his jacket still angry he stood hands on his hips glaring at me again with a cold stare.  He marched angry out of my room.

I shook, frightened I wanted to hide.  I also wanted to talk with Paula.  I took some deep breathes and steadied myself as I stood.  Walking down the hall towards Paula’s room.  I saw Shelley come out of the hallway door and into Paula’s room.

Fuck!  Now what, I panicked.  I want to hide.  Right at Paula’s room was the phone booth.  I curled up in a ball sitting under the phone booth ledge and hid behind the partial wall.  Doing my best to calm myself down I took some slow breaths.  People walked by and didn’t see me, for a while.

Robert walked by and he did see me.  “Aime, are you okay?  Do you need to talk to anyone?”  Robert was on the Emergency First Response Team.  The team I tried out for and didn’t make the cut.  His eyes were calm and peaceful. 
“Hi Robert.  No, it’s okay, thanks.”  Robert raised his eye bows and said “Okay if you say so.”

A little while later Derek found me.  “Come.”  He ordered me back up the hall.  Derek was still angry as he marched into my room, me following like a small child who as about to be scolded.  Derek did most of the talking, again.

“I only have 2 more days with you.  I want to spend all my time with you.  I need you.  I love you.  I don’t want to be with anyone else but you.”  Derek sounded upset an angry at the same time.

“Sweetie, I love you too.  But there are other friends I want to see and study for my exams.  I can’t be with you all the time.”  Doing my best to not show my emotions of being scared.  I held my hands together on my lap as I sat on my bed.

“I need you to show me you love me.  I don’t get how you turn yourself on and off with emotion.  It’s like I’m being teased by you.  Why do you do that?  I love you all the time, it’s like you don’t.”  Derek kissed me.  I kissed him back.

“I only have 2 more days then I go home to my folks.  I won’t see you till the middle of May.  What will I do without you?  I love you.  I want to be with you, all the time.”  Derek kissed me again and pressed his hands at my neck.

Clearing my throat after kissing Derek I replied “It’s getting late.  I need sleep.”  Doing my best to get Derek out of my room, it was late into the night.



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