The Letter

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I was scared writing the letter to Derek.  I was afraid of how he would respond.  It was a sunny day when I wrote to him.  I just want to be friends I said in my letter.  Not to see you that often, and things like that.  Telling Derek that I do not want to be boyfriend/girlfriend any more.

It took a few days for Derek to get the letter.  He was angry, crying and upset.  “Why Aime?  Why do you not want to be together any more? I love you!”  Derek phoned me when he got the letter.

Taking a breath, slowly I responded.  “Derek, I did not like having to report to you, on where I was going, and who I was seeing.  You are not my Mum. I did not have to ask permission to do things with friends from you.”  Doing my best to stay calm and strong while speaking to Derek. 

“But why?  I don’t understand.  I still love you, I still want to be with you, and be your boyfriend.”  Derek was angry, and still struggling to get his words out.

Taking another breath, I replied “No, I do not want to be with you, or be your girlfriend.  That is not going to happen.  Derek, you were controlling me, that is why.”

The phone call lasted not that long, yet I hoped Derek could understand.

A few weeks later I was off to Camp Adelaide again to work as a Waterfront Staff for Girl Guides Central Area.  It was my happy spot.  I felt at peace there, being in nature for 9 weeks, and being a lifeguard was fun. 

One of the pass times I did while working at camp was writing letters.  I typically used coloured markers and stickers to make them happy and fun.  I would write to friends from school, and my grandparents. 

It was always a happy day when we got mail.  I was working out on the beach when our Camp Director Connie came with mail for the lifeguards.  The day was cloudy and a bit rainy.  The lake was extra black looking on this day.  Yet receiving mail was always a happy time.  On this day, I received a letter from Sam.  She was happy to get my letter as it was happy and full of stickers and colour.  She did say in her letter that she got my letter and Derek’s letter on the same day. 

Sam told me in her letter that Derek’s letter was cold, and upsetting in some respects.  Sam said she phoned Derek to talk.  The conversation had Sam worried.  As Derek said to Sam that he doesn’t know what he’ll do when he see’s me.  That he doesn’t want to talk to me, and at the same time he feels we have more things to discuss.

I was upset, and scared after reading Sam’s letter about her conversation about talking to Derek. 

I didn’t want to be alone with Derek.  The nightmares returned.  I had one that really scared me.  It was 2nd year, and Derek had gotten into the dorm where I lived.  He cornered me and in his gruff voice was saying that he still wants to be with me, that he loves me.  Then in this dream he raped me.  This dream scared me to my core.  And it kept returning throughout the summer.

I wrote to Julie one day explaining what happened in the dream.  She wrote back that warning bells went off in her head.  That she felt that I should tell others in year 2 about what happened in year 1.  Tell people like my new R.A. and the director of Residence Services.

I was excited yes to be going back to school for year 2.  And, scared as well.

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